teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
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If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I found your tweet-up…
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.