teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
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My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.