teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
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“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards