Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
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*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
DOOO EEEET
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw