Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
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I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Stick it to the man
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*