Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
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I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
what is cheese if not milk persevering
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
my first dose meeting my second
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
True
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano