Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
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Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them