Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
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I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.