Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
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Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Its a hippotatomus
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.