(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
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Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen