(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
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When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*