Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
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Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?