[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
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Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
nobody’s gonna understand
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
And that about sums it up.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.