[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
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I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.