First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
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If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?