Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
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To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.