[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
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I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
How actors in movies eat their food
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.