@silent_musings: Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

@MensHumor: Halloween is, by far, the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.

@pradogod: Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.

@DRUNKdadding: "Sure, you can wear shorts to preschool today." -the reason I am sleeping on the couch right now

@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "I have never seen this before: You have no bones!" Me: "Really? Could the x-ray be broken?" Doctor: "Ignore what I just said."