@Ghetto_Trophy: Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
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@SteveSuckington: [wife gets home & sees shit on the rug] What's this? "It was Rover he w.." *dog makes throat slice gesture* "It was me. I shit on the rug"
@Michael_Erhart: I'm gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I've been wanting to get in that field for years.
@daplusk: [on 1st date] Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before? Her: No, I'd love to Me: Same Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim