Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
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I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need