technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
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My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.