I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
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Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
the greatest twitter interaction
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’