@KeetPotato: technology has now advanced so far i can no longer tell the difference between people using hands-free earphones and people on drugs
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@Book_Krazy: Therapist: How's your narcissism? Much better I thin...*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!"
@TomSchally: It's that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
@ValeeGrrl: What I say: Get dressed Brush teeth Get in the car What my kids hear: Have a snack Shriek like monkeys Open 3 umbrellas indoors Go poop
@Tommytoughstuff: Dating tip: don't mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.