@KeetPotato: technology has now advanced so far i can no longer tell the difference between people using hands-free earphones and people on drugs
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@brennadine: [First date] Him: Can you pass the- SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
@uncle_fescue: Interviewer: so your last job you worked in IT? Me: no, it says "worked it" I: worked what? [disco ball drops] [rips off pants] Me: "it"
@ceejoyner: Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.