@KeetPotato: technology has now advanced so far i can no longer tell the difference between people using hands-free earphones and people on drugs
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@Audenary: *notices ham sandwich while searching inside myself* 'wait, if that's here' *son opens lunchbox to find debilitating existential malaise*
@JohnLyonTweets: Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
@decentbirthday: [Battleship: Guilt Edition] Friend: B6 Me: You sunk my Battleship Friend: Hah yes! Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
@bobvulfov: [gf falls asleep during a movie] ME: aw [i get a blanket] ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum's riddles