Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
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I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
A choir of Spring onions
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen