“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
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Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.