Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
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Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.