Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
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You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I need to get some bricks…
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
my dog when i have a friend over
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!