Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
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Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
My support group can outdrink your support group.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?