a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
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*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Monday
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
i meant to share this earlier
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek