me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
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me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Somebody call the cops.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.