TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
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Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Ah yes. The three genders
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Skills
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.