Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
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gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…