Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
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If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet