[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
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Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.