Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
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In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
seems like a niche market
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.