Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
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If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.