Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
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every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…