@KoKeniSasquatch: Teenagers. Can't live with them. Can't get rid of them without bringing the cops around.
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@2sassymom: Twitter is awesome. You can have a boyfriend right in your phone. Available at all times. Unless his wife's around.
@mjm866: My two year old just learned to say shut up. Coincidentally I just lost all guilt about clothes lining a toddler.
@TheDailySchmuck: [Eating unhealthy potato at restaurant] Cop: You're under arrest. Me: What's the charge? [Lowers sunglasses] Cop: a salt and buttery.
@ericsshadow: [my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad] "Here $60. It's all I have. Call if you need more."