We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
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Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down