@SuMacDan: Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
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@spicy_peen: What medications do I take? I'm not sure. The names on my neighbor's prescription bottles are ridiculously long
@Brampersandon_: WIFE: Did you buy eggs? ME: Even better. I bought a goat. W: How is that better? M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
@SirEviscerate: There are no atheists in parking lots where you've dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
@JohnHilsen: Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.