Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
You Might Also Like
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”