Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
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I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
not seeing the problem
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.