I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
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Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.