TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
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People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.