Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
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‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
my professor scared me for a second
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL