Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
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[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Fat chances are my favorite chances
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
The Punning Dead.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you