“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
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Life cycle of cat
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
*gets down on one knee*
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.