@DanMentos: "Tell me about yourself"
Well, I'm a Canadian-
"Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman"
@chanelsprinkles: mom: do the dishes
me: i cant im ugly
@SigneSaysSo: My pants are so tight I'm legitimately afraid they won't fit if I miss a day of shaving my legs.
@DamienFahey: "This is NPR." Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
@AGreaterMonster: I just ran for the train so I think I'm good on running for a couple years.
@Nickadoo: "I liked small butts. I was lying." - Sir Mix-A-Lot's teary deathbed confession