Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
You Might Also Like
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
This hospital has everything
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Just so funny
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Trains are just sideway elevators.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.