Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
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Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
dutch so unserious
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.