i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
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When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
thanksgiving in nutshell
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!