‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I’m putting together a team
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here