Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
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what day is it?
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
i was baptized in a car wash
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Guantanamo Bae
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner