@JasonLastname: Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
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@thepunningman: Dr "Do you want the good news or the bad news?" Patient "Good" Dr "You have 6 months to live" P "What's the bad news!?" Dr "...in dog years"
@XplodingUnicorn: My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don't think I can trust his judgment.
@Reverend_Scott: I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it's slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
@Kyle_Lippert: Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it's dead friends in your hand.