Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
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a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Me irl
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.