@JasonLastname: Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
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@Sickayduh: "That damn Lassie said Timmy fell down a ruffruffruff" "Relax, honey. I'm sure she means well"
@thepunningman: [doctors] "How long have I got?" "Not long. Two, three months" [casually places apple on desk] "Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!"
@Brianhopecomedy: Ugh, I may have lost my "World's Best Dad" keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don't know where she went.
@Marcmywords2: "Its odd how the Church just lets pedophile's grant forgiveness" Anyway...thats why I'm not allowed in Confession anymore.